Grateful

Another 1,5 years (almost) have passed since my last post to this blog.
And it's safe to say that I've never had a time in my life before that was as intense, as cruel, as wonderful, as fulfilling, as ecstatic as the one that lies behind me. It was a wild ride for sure.
But let me take this one by one.

My former life literally crashed right after my last blog entry.
I tried to fight the feelings inside of me. God knows I really tried.
But I failed miserabely.

In the end I let myself fall and did what became the hardest but still the best decision of my entire life. I left the save life with my fiancee and everything we built together behind - for good.

And it still hurts when I think back of her face, her tears, her sheer desperation.
These memories lie heavy on my heart to this very day, one and a half year on, and certainly will for a long time to come.

Still -  I wouldn't change a thing!
I thought about this for a long time but there just was no other way.
No way without pain, no way without daggering an innocent heart.

So I chose this love that took me like a wave. So irresistible.

She's as much a beauty from the inside as she is from the outside, a true force of nature.
Her laughter and her smile litteraly warm me from inside, like rays of the sun shining through a window. And when the sun kisses her hair it shimmers like gold.
When she enters a room she spreads joy and love.
Often I just can't take my eyes off her. She's just too beautiful to be true.
I never felt so loved by someone, so close to someone.
And I never loved as deep and true as I do now.

Anna became my wife one week ago.

I still need to let that sink in. How can an average person like me deserve someone like her?

And what's even more incredible - we're expecting a baby. It's a boy!
And he'll arrive in September. I can't wait to finally see and hold him in my arms.
He's already so active - boxing and kicking like a champ. And he enjoys music!

Life can't get more exciting than now. I couldn't be happier than now.

And I'm gonna try to soak up every second, feeling eternally grateful for what was given to me...

https://open.spotify.com/user/1129809376/playlist/08UuWklbMg2bXES22E1UZb?si=lux7TeinTqKqWU43J5SY9w

I wish I had a concrete heart.

Funny how lyrics sometimes describe your life better than you could ever put it into words yourself. 
I guess that's a big part of what attracts me to music that much. Feeling understood.

The title of this post is stolen from Rick Springfield's song. 
But it describes my current mood/overall feeling just perfect.

Love is cruel sometimes and that's what I'm feeling about it right now.
A love that may not be is poisoning my heart. I feel like a puppet losing all control.

How can a woman as wonderful as she enter my life right when I'm about to marry my longtime love? Ain't that ironic?

My heart's pushing me in her direction. Being close to her is like a drug. Her presence, her words make me high. Haven't felt like that in a long time. I can't help but feel enarmored. It's like magnetism, like an undertow.
And it's crushing me.

Just avoiding her is not an option. I see her at work every day.

That's why I wish I had a concrete heart. If I had I'd probably be able to stop myself.

My biggest hope is my fiancée's infinite love and trust.
She's an angel.

I've got to make it somehow. 
I owe it to my longtime love. 
She never let me down.
I may not let her down, either.

May god be with me through this. 

One Desire's song Hurt accompanied me through the last few days. 
I love how much passion singer André Linman put into the performance - amazing!

"Hurt, doesn't matter where the pain is coming from
when it still burns and the fire here inside me wasn't enough
when we say love can't you see there was never ending love
and it's still here - and it's still here
when the end is all alone"

One Desire - Hurt

Creating magic

It's one of life's many miracles that man can create something as magical as music.
There's so much power in some notes they can literaly make me cry.

My aim in the last few months was to dive a little deeper into this world.
There are so many ideas swirling through my head, some better some worse.

Still it must be a really pleasing feeling to complete a song on your own.
To create a true artwork, a reflection of your most inner self.

Right now that's what I'm really longing for. Hope it will work out sooner than later.

Parting from the past

Tore apart a picture that I shouldn't have kept that long. But today there was no other choice. Which was a good thing actually.
The past is gone. It makes no sense to hang on to /live on a memory.
To live for the moment is something I should practice doing more often and by parting from this picture I did just that.

Also I got Nightwish's new album today. I'm listening to it with my headphones as I type this.
Lots of stuff to digest there - but that's also a sign of quality in music.
From listening for the first time I can tell that the music is beautifully crafted as always. Every song is a wonderfully pieced together artwork with amazing lyrical and musical depth.
Listening to Alpenglow right now. Epic.

What's obvious is that Tuomas Holopainen is a GENIUS. He is one of the greatest composers of this day and age, regardless of genres. Period.

Seize the day.

I like to use this sentence. To me it means to live your life, use it and enjoy it as much as you can.
There are days when these words get a deeper meaning. Today I learned that a colleague of my girlfriend passed away. He was only 30 years old and wanted to build a new home with his wife. While doing so he was hit by a machine and died.

What a tragedy.

I only spoke to him briefly, but I was shocked and deeply saddened.

I always knew life is really short and sometimes shorter than it would be fair.
So although I'd say I'm a lover of life sometimes I think I should appreciate it more.

I'll go tell the ones I love that I do so now....

It's been a long time...

It's been long since I wrote here last. When I first started this Blog I thought I'd be able to write on a more constant basis but as always, life may have other plans for you.

Anyway - a lot of stuff happened since 2012. It's getting harder to find the time to really sit down, listen to some wonderful music and just escape from the real. But it happens from time to time and I guess these moments are some of the reasons I love this life.

Although it's rather stressful at the moment and everything is still in motion (new job, new appartment, etc.) I think I'm happy right now. Life always feels like a journey but it does feel like that really intensly right now.
My main goal at the moment is just arriving everywhere I started something new and rise to the challenges these things bring with them.

Very helpful (as always) is Nightwish's music. On their new single Elan (which I like) is a song called "Sagan". The music reflects my feelings a lot...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=552EBvrmeak

Hope to write again a little sooner the next time.

Yours!

Escapism

The first post is always the most difficult one, right? Well, I'll try and do my best anyway ;)

In this blog I'll write about things that help me to escape from the general life. I do this a lot, maybe even too much but hey - nobody's perfect, right? It's my way of feeling comfortable in a world that can be very stress- and hurtful. And it's a way to stay a child somehow your whole life long. Some people tend to get too serious when growing up, which is a shame in my opinion.

Honestly this blog was inspired by Tuomas Holopainen, a person who really I admire. I was watching a documentary about his life and he said at one point that if there's one word that could describe him as a person it would be "escapist". What he said and how he explained his views on life made me realize that what I do a lot in my life is nothing else than some sort of escapism. In this way we seem to be quite similar.

I'll try to write some more about this issue in later posts.

My main way of escaping the real is definitely music. There are songs for different memories - good ones and bad ones. The power of music is undeniable and I owe awfully much to it. Music's a great gift of life to me.

Some unbelievably beautiful music comes from the soundtrack of the movie "The Village" and by the way the plot of the movie is a perfext example for escapism. TH calls it one of the best soundtracks ever made and I think he's right. It hast an amazing depth. But just listen for yourself ....

The Village Soundtrack